cultivating compassion: learning to be a better lover of yourself and others
Oxford Dictionary defines compassion as a “sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others,” but I believe that compassion transcends that narrow and simplistic definition. Compassion to me is a deep and genuine understanding of others, even if you might not be able to relate to their story or truth. It means smiling at strangers. It means praying for a friend in need of support. It means giving a student an extension on a paper. It means giving yourself a break when you have reached your capacity. Everyone has felt the warmth and love that compassion brings. It manifests itself in so many forms throughout our daily lives, giving light and hope to the darkest of situations.
Especially during a pandemic, compassion should be ushered to the forefront of our lives and the way that we should interact with others and even ourselves. Yes, show compassion to yourself too. That’s often the essential piece that we forget, me included. We are so willing to lend a helping hand to others yet never extend that same kindness and understanding to ourselves. The things that we say to ourselves when we look in the mirror we would never utter to another person. The way we beat ourselves up when we make a mistake we would never express to a friend who did not meet their own expectations. We are often so quick to show compassion to everyone but ourselves when we need it most, and in turn stunt our mental, spiritual, and emotional growth.
During quarantine, I read a book that has acted as a catalyst for my own spiritual awakening. I purchased this my freshman year, read it, and retained nothing. It honestly was collecting dust on my bookshelf, but something led me to dust it off and open it up about a month ago. I desperately needed and wanted to take inventory of my thoughts and emotions, and now I had the time (arguably too much time) to do it, no excuses. So, I started (re)reading and truly began a heart and mind transformation. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown eloquently acts a guide to a more wholehearted life. It speaks on topics like shame, blame, vulnerability, connection, courage, resilience, and most notably, compassion. I want to highlight some key points and takeaways from this book so that you can start integrating compassion and self-compassion in your everyday life too.
How can we start better integrating compassion into our lives? Well, “the heart of compassion is really acceptance.” This was initially a difficult statement for me to swallow because for so long I didn’t fully accept myself, and thus struggled to accept others. I felt battered and bruised throughout middle school and some of high school due to the environment and people around me. I internalized the opinions of others about myself and started to see myself as a reflection of their judgements. I was not always kind to others, and definitely wasn’t kind to myself. But each day, I work on breaking away from any negative thoughts and perceptions and embracing who I really am and who I want to be. Once we work on accepting ourselves, even the parts of ourselves that we have suppressed, we become better lovers of others as well. Compassion is truly contagious. In fact, she stated that “when we’re kind to ourselves, we create a reservoir of compassion that we can extend to others.”
I leave you with this quote from the book: “A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.” So together, let’s start changing our lives.
Reflection Prompts/Questions:
On a piece of paper or in your journal, write 15 things you admire about yourself and explain why.
Are you often harder on yourself than you are on others? How can you better integrate grace, for both yourself and others, into your life each day?
What are things that bring you solace and joy? How do you prioritize those things when you are feeling low?
In times of suffering, pain, or disappointment, how do you treat yourself? How would you support a friend going through the same thing? How do you think things might change if you supported yourself the same way you would a friend?
In order to practice self compassion and self-awareness throughout the day, choose a short affirmation that will help to ground and center you when you might face difficulty. If none of these resonate with you, feel free to come up with your own!
“Although I might be ________________ (overwhelmed, sad, tired, etc.) right now, I am strong enough to get through this.”
“I have people that love and support me even if I feel alone right now.”
“My mistakes show that I am truly growing and learning.”
“I am fully capable of weathering this storm.”
“I am releasing myself from the hold that others’ have on me.”
“I accept every part of me, both the good and the bad.”
“I am not perfect, and I should not strive to be. And that’s okay.”
