being your own valentine: a memoir of self-love
Roses, cards, chocolate, and strawberries have all become marking characteristics of this “day of love.” Seeped in consumerism, Valentine’s Day has become a day where external validation of love reigns supreme. There is nothing inherently wrong with expressing love with gifts, but the problem emerges when if we do not receive these external validations wrapped in a red bow, we feel unworthy, unloved, and unseen. I, along with many, have fallen victim to the unrealistic expectations and pressures of this holiday. Over time, Valentine’s Day has become a day where love is given and received, but it does not necessarily acknowledge the power of a love vested within; a love not only for others but for yourself.
This internal and eternal love that I speak of has no monetary value; in fact, it is invaluable. One of the most important loves that one can and should experience is a deep and unconditional love of oneself. Once we channel that self-love, the noise of the world that tells us how this day should look and feel for us is silenced. So, I implore you and empower you to do whatever you need to do to silence that noise and tune into the rhythmic sounds of your own music, a music of self-love and acceptance. Whether for you that is journaling affirmations, going on a walk through nature, relaxing in a warm bath, or twerking while listening to your favorite playlist, you are in complete control of this day. You dictate it, because your love should always come first.
I am using this day to explore what I love about myself and how I can better nurture that love each and every day of each and every month. I DEFINITELY struggle with this, so I am making a more conscious effort to dedicate time and energy towards showing myself radical love. This exploration can take many forms and will look different for us all, but it will help us claim a profound kind of love. A love that is not bound up by the opinions of others. A love for the deep dark corners of yourself you choose to ignore. A love that allows you to forgive yourself for the mistakes and wrongdoings of your past. A love for yourself that feels warmer than any loving embrace from another person. A love that grants you permission to love yourself first, which in turn enables you to pour love like honey into the lives of others. A love for yourself that is not perfect, because nothing ever is.
On the topic of radical love for oneself, I believe that Valentine’s Day is purposely positioned as a part of our Black History Month. As Black people in this country, we are shown in both explicit and implicit ways that we are not always seen or valued by society. But when that internal is deep-seated and prioritized, we are truly protected. Our impassable armor of self-love allows us to feel true pride and fondness for our community, no matter what forces might be against us. It becomes an act of resistance that feeds joy, fortitude, and resilience. Just think about it, showing love towards yourself is one simple yet significant way to celebrate and honor our people and our ancestors, who watch over us lovingly too.
I hope that it is clear that the words I share are not rooted in a hatred for Valentine’s Day, but instead invite a redirection and reflection on the values and expectations currently associated with this day. Because, let’s be real, everyone loves a cute little gift and some roses. But, when we place self-love on its worthy pedestal, it opens the door wide to let the love of others come in in a way that is healthy and reciprocal. Self-love should not be something we are uncomfortable expressing or feel judged for. It should instead be normalized, because when we love ourselves wholeheartedly, we in turn can become better lovers of others.
Happy Valentine’s Day, family.
