where i’ve been and where i’m going

Jan 8

I know it's been a long time since I have posted on the blog, but it's been quite a busy past few months. Although I sometimes beat myself up for not posting, I really did need to just be: to be in the moment, to be sad at times, to be uncertain, to be burnt out, to be in the presence of each moment. Since I last posted, I have been through heart surgery, some heartbreak, and have traveled to over six countries that have truly changed my life. So, I am writing this post as an evolved version of myself, and that is both exciting and scary to admit. I have learned so much about myself, about love, my potential, and my future that I could have never imagined just a few months ago. With this post, I want to share where I have been, and more importantly, where I am going as I think about and plan my future.

July 2022

This summer was such a transformative yet difficult time for me. I suffered from a loss that was hard to accept, and I had to define for myself a new sense of normalcy and routine. I spent time mourning and reflecting, but also trusted in God that with every hardship comes a lesson that is meant to make me stronger. And wow, I did learn this summer. Before I knew it, I moved across the world to Dublin, Ireland where I embarked on a journey that I truly would never forget as a Frederick Douglass Global Fellow. In just one month, I met 15 lifelong friends that molded me not only into a better activist but a person, friend, and advocate for all people. Together, we traveled to several cities across the countries, tried new foods, met with politicians and diplomats, endured great obstacles, had lots of acoustic guitar singing nights, and truly bonded around our common passion for changing the world in every little way we can. Even amongst my grief, my healing process, and my mental health difficulties, each person embraced all of my flaws, and the waves of Ireland's coast comforted me and reminded me that peace is all around me as long as I open my eyes. I remember on a hike with my friends up the Cliffs of Howth, I was moved to tears because I had never seen such beauty and felt such peace and gratitude in my entire life. I can still hear the waves and birds soaring through the crystal blue sky. I learned that family is truly extended just from those who share my blood and that the people I met truly are my brothers and sisters for a lifetime, no matter what. I will always cherish that month and the lessons it taught me.

August to December 2022

After spending a few weeks back home, I prepared to move to Paris, France for the next four months of 2022. I was scared of such a big transition and a long time spent away from home, but I was excited to know that upon boarding that flight, a new chapter of my life would begin. So, I packed my three very overweight suitcases and began my study abroad journey, fear and all. It was everything that I thought it would be and more, and I am so happy that I did not let that fear overcome me. I was part of a French immersion program, so I dedicated most of my experience to improving my French, embracing French culture, and making French connections while living in Paris. While on European soil, I visited more than 5 countries, 20 cities, and 50 museums, so I certainly made sure of every minute, which flew by much faster than I could have ever imagined (like everyone warned). There were many days when I felt homesick, broke(n), lonely, or a combination of all three, but there were also days when I felt like I really belonged. That I had found parts of myself that I didn't know existed because they hadn't before living in Paris. And that, in a nutshell, is to study abroad. A perfect storm of highs and lows, of unknown variables, of tears, of disconnection, but also love, of self-exploration, growth, and possibility. That is what made it all worth it, and each memory and person I met will never be forgotten. Paris, tu vas me manquer, mais je sais que dans le futur, nous nous retrouverons. C'est certain.

A lot of people have asked me to go in-depth about my study abroad experience, so I will be doing a post in the future about programs, language, budgeting, and other further details to help anyone– especially other Black womxn– who are interested yet reluctant to study abroad. But for now, I would say: do it. Nothing is holding you back but yourself, and no matter where you go, you will undoubtedly learn so much more about yourself and the world around you. I wish I had a blog to turn to before I went abroad, so I hope to hopefully be a voice of insight or reason for those who are about to embark on their own journeys. In general, I will be more consistent on this blog throughout the year 2023, so I can't wait to share more of myself with you all. Vulnerability has always been something that scares me, but throughout these months away from the blog I have embraced vulnerability and self-reflection wholeheartedly (although initially hesitant if I am honest), so I am looking forward to sharing more of myself, the good, the bad, and the works in progress. This blog is an exciting refuge for me, and I am happy to be back.

2023 and Beyond..

With that being said, my future is something that has been both haunting me and motivating me these past few months. Graduation is on the horizon, no matter how much I might try to ignore it or second guess it, so I have started to have difficult conversations with myself about what my future holds, who will be a part of it, and what impact I hope to have on the big bright world around me. Without my faith, I think I would be lost. I know it. But each day I have been reminding myself that God will place me right where I need to be– He always does. In all honesty, I initially did not get accepted to the fellowship I had hoped for and decided to accept the fellowship in Ireland as a result, but that was God leading me directly to the path He had already planned for me. I was supposed to be in a homestay while in France, but God placed me in a dorm exactly where I needed to be, and it completely transformed my experience. He removed certain people from my life, as painful as it was, and in their absence, I was forced to heal, reflect, and become a better disciple, lover, friend, sister, and daughter in the process. He redirected my career path and has pointed me towards new professional opportunities that I never considered. I have countless examples of how He made a way simple out of no way, and I am so grateful to see just how powerful and rewarding it is to put my trust fully in Him. So, my future is in His merciful hands, and accepting that reality has made me so much more at peace about what lies ahead for me. I feel Him working, and I know that wherever I am going has been handcrafted and hand-chosen for me alone. I get emotional just typing that, especially because I am someone who always likes to have a plan and stick to it. But learning to surrender to God's plan for me has made my life turn 180 degrees, and I am so grateful for how his works have humbled me and helped me grow. So, Black & Bloom, I have a lot planned for this upcoming year but simultaneously, I am leaving everything in God's hands and embracing the process of not always having a plan. So, I am confident that the year 2023 is going to be a year of trust, of walking the stage, of consistent monthly blog content, of more travel, of new chapters, of self-forgiveness, and most importantly of continued healing. Let's get started.